One of our friends expressed amazement at my calm, cool demeanor because she said that if she found out she had cancer, she would be in the surgeon's office demanding they cut the tumor out and start all treatment right then.
I rambled off something about how the surgeons at MD Anderson were putting together a plan that is tailored specifically for making sure I get the best treatment with minimal discomfort but in reality, what she said she would do is exactly what I want to do. I want to sit at the doctor's office until they see me but that would put a huge crink in my back.
Cancer is a big scary word. Even with as many advances as the doctors have made, it's still a monster that doesn't always respond to the treatment every time. My mom had state of the art treatment for her cancer, and we still lost her.
I used to be one of those people who heard thyroid cancer and Hodgkin's lymphoma and think "At least they have one of the survivable cancers." The fact is, cancer is frightening and painful. I've had pain in my neck and shoulders for months. I almost drove my primary care nuts with going into him because my ears were killing me and I thought I had an infection. I even stopped listening to music in my headphones because it hurt too much.
Luckily, he didn't toss me out on my ear because he's the one who found the cancer.
And even while I'm sitting here in this horrible dark emotional hell, my cats are surrounding me and messing about, playing with each other and making me laugh. And thank god for Kele Moon, my CP and BFF, for laughing at all my stupid cancer jokes, for knowing that I'm the person who crack jokes when I'm terrified.
At this point, everyone asks if I know something more but I don't, other than it's malignant and that my next step is my appointment and then surgery. I don't even know what all they are taking out in surgery but I'm pleased with my doctor and I'm confident she'll make the right choice.
In regards to my stories, I have a lot in the hopper that is ready to be worked on. Several really hot stories about BDSM sex clubs, a few m/m stories but next on my list is working on Dangerous Submission, which is in the editing process. Thankfully, this should take my mind off of what is to come.
A huge thank you to my fans. I know you're eagerly awaiting Dangerous Submission and I'll try to do my best with it.
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Lastly and certainly not the least, I want to say goodbye to a dear sweet woman who accepted me as her grandchild-in-law when I married my hubby 7 years ago. She reminded me of my own grandmother. When we went to see her last year, she needed her cane to get out of her chair. My husband lent her the cane he uses since he hurt his knee and I swear to goodness the cane almost as tall as she was. She told her husband later that she liked how I fussed over my hubby, because he was a bit under the weather.
Nan Toland, you will be greatly missed. Lots of love to you.